Let me comment briefly on my own post: The above quote is from the second draft of 'Queen Makeda's Sister' und therefore subject, still, to thorough editing. I am not sure whether I should leave the word 'even' in the sentence. On one hand it makes the meaning a little clearer, but on the other it interrupts the flow of words quite horribly. I feel tempted to sacrifice some clarity for a better sound. What do you think?
For some reason I want to insert a comma after earth, but I think I over punctuate. It sounds fine with even in it. I don't stumble over it all when I read it. The comma I suggested would probably be a bigger interruption. I say leave it as is. Very nice quote.
Thanks for your input and the praise, TL. You are actually quite right—with the 'even' in it, it needs a comma. Without it, it doesn't.
I love that quote, really haunting, and it has wonderful rhythm. Personally, I think 'even' does interrupt the meter just a little, not 'horribly' but in a good way: it serves to draw attention to, and to emphasise, the most powerful idea in the sentence, that death itself will fail to extinguish her love. If it was my sentence, I'd leave it as it is! Sophie.